Pulling out the weeds vs watering the flowers

Why I'm done with focusing on the negative, and prioritising mood boosters instead.

This morning, I was speaking to my therapist about the idea of negative piles of things growing and growing.

Imagine a pile of washing on the floor – each time you throw some clothes into the basket, the pile of washing grows even bigger, and more clothes appear immediately. Rather than leaving the pile alone, you become more frantic with trying to get the clothes into the basket. The growing pile doesn’t slow down, and neither do you. It’s almost like the quicker you try to get rid of the pile, the quicker the new clothes appear. Continuing like this means you’ll probably end up stuck under a pile of quicksand-esque dirty washing with just your head and arms poking out of the top. Noticing a feeling bubbling up as you read that? I do. I’d describe it as “frantic energy”, which is probably one of the top 3 things I want least in my life.

So, why can’t the pile be left alone? Leaving the pile is to leave the mess. Maybe it would start to smell. Maybe your favourite jumper would be lost at the bottom. Or, most importantly, maybe it would be absolutely impossible to think about anything other than the pile as you try to go on with your day.

As you focus all your energy into trying to sort out these clothes, a few hours have gone by. You’ve missed the sound of the rain outside, which you usually love when you’re indoors on a cold morning in the winter. You’ve not had the breakfast you were excited for when you woke up this morning, so your energy might be starting to dip… and your stomach is rumbling. A friend has called for a chat on her walk to get a coffee, but you’ve missed it. The postman buzzes but you can’t pull yourself away from the clothes, so you miss the delivery and have to add that to your mental to-do list to deal with later. The delivery was your favourite vanilled-scented candle that you were planning to light in your office. Notice a pattern? All of these lovely, small moments or opportunities have been ignored.

By only focusing on the pile, we’re letting our mood boosters pass us by – the things that make our lives feel more fulfilling, and the tiny moments that can shift us from feeling ‘meh’, to feeling like our spirits are more lifted and things feel more easeful.

Also interestingly, in my mind, the pile of clothes stops growing when we tackle it with a different, slower energy. One that feels more intentional. The idea isn’t to leave your sweaty workout leggings on the floor forever, but instead to break it down into intentional steps – decide which clothes you’re going to put in the basket to be washed, put them in the basket, look at the new clothes that have grown on top, fight the urge to tackle the rest of the pile, and close the door behind you on your way out.

Then move on. Get on with the rest of your day, rather than pouring all of your energy into the thing/things that cause frustration and drain us. By doing this, we’re aware of the weeds but we’re not getting sucked into a battle with them.

A question: What mood boosters can you focus on this week? Think about 1-2 small things that you know will be manageable, even on the days when you don’t have as much energy as you’d like or the days when your diary is almost full.

My two mood boosters this week are: spending creative time with Denver, my daughter, which will look like puzzles, drawing, or colouring in, (colouring in is SO underrated), and going to a couple of reformer classes on my quieter days.

The phrase “water the garden instead of pulling out the weeds”, is a gentle reminder that we can spend forever pulling out the weeds. They will always grow back. But, by watering the garden (or flowers), and consciously putting more of our energy into this, we’re shifting our focus and being more aware of the areas of life that feel more nourishing, comforting, and fulfilling. The things that lift our mood, like our favourite vanilla-scented candles.